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Just a Blink. . .

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Twenty years seems like a long time.  And yet, there are times that it’s like the blink of an eye. It feels like forever and just yesterday at the same time. Today, the feelings & emotions are as real as they were on November 2, 2005. Almost like a kick to the gut, I’m back in the moment when the nurse told me Terry was gone. 

A lot has occurred in twenty years with our children: 2 state wrestling tournaments, numerous drum line wins, 2 high school graduations, a college graduation and a masters degree. Two weddings, two homes purchased, two successful careers and a beautiful grandson. 

I’ve worked at Amoco, BP, Nexen, SBM, Hess, Big 6 and Wisco Moran. Now I’m retired from the oil patch and work at WCE as the receptionist. Every time I get to dress up in a theme week, I remember Terry. We had so much fun shopping for costumes for VBS , Westland kids & Westland Players. 

I never see pink foam board at Home Depot without remembering Terry’s creations. From snakes to castles to sheep, his creativity was unlimited.  That same pink board is making an appearance this year for the Christmas Village Terry built through the years.   It will be proudly displayed this year with some additions. 

It’s been twenty long years, but the memories are still strong and vivid. The kids and I have moved on with our lives, but our hearts will never forget, our tears will never dim and  the memories will always remain.  We miss you Terry!

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When Grief visits. . .

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Today, my memories are strong and clear. And with those memories, grief made a quick visit. 

Today my son is 36. Thirty-six years ago, at 5:30am, my water broke. My husband went from a dead sleep to upright and panicked. I can still see him standing by the bed. 

There are memories throughout the day. Take the one when Terry got very close to my face during a labor pain and sweetly said “I understand.” Nope. He did not!  In my moment of pain and anger, I assisted his understanding by grabbing his mustache and yanking as hard as I could.  He screamed and the nurse called on the intercom to see if we were okay. We both laughed.  And I got my epidural. 

When it was decided that I needed a c-section, they sent Terry to get a bite to eat while they prepped me. The poor nurse had no idea that Terry had no fast forward speed or any sense of direction.  As they were wheeling me to surgery, I could hear the nurse yelling “Mr Benson!  Mr Benson!” He did arrive in time for the birth. 

He was so excited to see our new son. He assured me Zachary was prettier than most babies and didn’t have that annoying cry.  He slept in the chair in my hospital room and scared more than one nurse with his explosive snores. He changed diapers.  Cuddled Zac, and did everything he could. 

Terry has been gone almost 20 years.  Today, our baby boy is 36. The memories are as clear as ever. 

Happy Birthday, Zac!  You had the best dad to teach you.  And now you are the best dad to Joshua Terry.  Keep making memories!

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2025

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For years I hated the  new year. Each new year took me into another year without my husband , Terry. Truthfully, I wasn’t a fan of Thanksgiving or Christmas either. The holidays were just a reminder of what I had lost.  For 10 years, I just survived the holiday months. 

However, grief has taken a different role the last 9 years. I can now relate to the last chapter of Job:  

“After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before. The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. And he also had seven sons and three daughters.” Job‬ ‭42‬:‭10‬, ‭12‬-‭13‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I now live in a blended family. My son and daughter have married & added a grandson. I am blessed with my “not the daughter” and her husband and son. And, I have gained a new husband, 3 kids and their spouses and 4 grandchildren.  Life is full and busy. Love abounds. 

I understand how Job might have felt.  I still grieve the life that might have been. There are still seasons when memories of Terry overtake me and the tears flow.  I will carry that grief forever as a part of me.  Grief doesn’t have an expiration date. It doesn’t  go away. Time isn’t the magic healer of grief. The scars of grieve remain for life. 

As unwelcome as grief can be, it has taught me much.  I am a more compassionate person.  I’m more thoughtful with what I say to others that suffer losses. I hold my family closer and treasure each moment.  I understand 1 Thessalonians 4:13b more than ever:  “do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.” I grieve with the hope of eternity. I grieve knowing God’s plan is perfect. Grief doesn’t mean a lack of faith. Rather great grief is the result of great love. 

As I look forward to the new year of 2025. I don’t know what it will bring. I look forward to living and learning and (I hope) laughter and joy. 

‭‭

Terry’s headstone: he was a success!
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Self-revelations of Marriage

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This time of year, brings so many memories and feelings to the forefront.  I love the fall themes: pumpkins, scarecrows & falling leaves.  Even though it’s still very hot and muggy, there have been a few hints at the cooler weather that is on its way. 

Next week is the 8th anniversary of my marriage to Tim.   A little less than a month later, I will observe the 36th anniversary of my first marriage.  This year, will mark 18 years without my husband of 18 years.  It’s an odd feeling to realize that Terry has been gone as long as we were married. 

Each of these anniversaries carries it’s own emotions.  I am so grateful to have been blessed with 2 awesome husbands.  As I look back, I have few regrets.  There are however, things I wish I had done the first 8 years I was married to Terry.

I wish I had “read the room” a little better.  There were a lot of family dynamics that I just didn’t understand.  I viewed my in-laws through my own family experiences.  It took a long time to understand and accept the way Terry’s view of marriage/family was shaped by his relationship with his parents.  When we were first dating, we talked about being from similar backgrounds.  Truthfully, the only similarities were 1) our parents were still married and 2) we both grew up in a Southern Baptist Church. 

I wish I known more about ways of communicating early in our marriage.  Growing up, my dad would say “If you have a chance, maybe you could . . .”  I knew that this wasn’t really a suggestion and that he would be upset if it wasn’t done when he got home.  So, I used this same method with Terry.  The problem was, he also had his own communication training.  His response to any request was “I’ll try.”  For years, we when back and forth on things.  I would make “suggestions” and he would “try”.  Terry’s family screamed and threw stuff to make a point.  I shut down when the voices were raised.  We were both frustrated.  I had to learn to state what I needed and he had to learn to be intentional. 

I wish I had let go of my expectations sooner.  In my twenties, I had my whole life ahead of me and I was certain I could handle it all.  I was a women of spreadsheets and goals. And, I loved and married a dreamer.  He had big dreams. He could write and create and I would get caught up in the hopes and dreams.  And then, I would get angry when the execution of those dreams didn’t happen as planned.  I wasted a lot of time being mad.  When I finally took a moment to readjust my expectations, our marriage took  a huge leap forward.  Other people noticed the difference.  I had to learn to support the dreamer that I loved by grounding our marriage in reality. 

I wish I had been louder in my appreciation of Terry.  He was a great man and a super dad.  We made the decision early in our marriage that he would be the stay-at-home parent.  He took a lot of grief from others, especially our families.  He was viewed as “unable” to hold a job when the reality was this was our choice.  He was deemed a failure by many.  Those that didn’t know him assumed he was lazy or inept.  Nothing was further from the truth.  Terry was creative.  He wrote plays and our church children’s worship curriculum.  He loved being on the stage and could act and sing.  He created back grounds for the children’s area that were phenomenal.  The biggest compliment he received was many years after his death.  Our son made the choice to leave a lucrative position to work from home.  He told me “I want to be the dad to my son that my dad was to me!” 

My current marriage has benefited greatly from these experiences.  There were still some growing pains, but I came into this marriage with a clearer view of how hard marriage can be.  Marriage in your 50’s is very different from marriage in your 20’s.  Marriage with adult children has it’s own challenges, as well. 

If I could give anyone in the first decade of marriage any advice, this would be it:

  1.  Find your own way to communicate.  Men and women do not communicate in the same way.  EVER.  Yelling, curse words, door slamming are not effective.  Find ways to make your needs known without being aggressive or demanding.  Remember to say “I love you!” and “Thank You” and “Please”. 
  2. Learn to accept and appreciate your spouse’s contributions.  Is getting things done “MY” way really the only outcome?  If I constantly redo or criticize how my spouse does things (laundry, cleaning, family time),  my spouse will eventually stop trying.  Then what have I accomplished, really. 
  3. Perfection may be the goal, but it’s not usually reality.  And, your views of what is perfect may not intersect with those of your spouse. Relax and let go on the minor things.  Pick a few non-negotiables and drop the rest.  The chore list may need to be abbreviated.  Personal down time may need to be planned into the week.  Find the balance so you don’t start resenting each other for what is demanded and/or not done.
  4. Stop using the words “always” and “never” as in “You ALWAYS want to play games” or “You NEVER clean the house”.
  5. Leave time for romance and each other.  That sounds easy.  But money is sometimes tight.  When the kids are small, there is never enough time and/or energy.  Even if you don’t feel romantic, make the effort.  Go out once a month.  If nothing else, pawn the kids off on the grandparents/friends and then go home and chill for a few hours.  Speak up if you need a date night.
  6. Do not hesitate to seek counseling. A third party can often point out the blind spots you each have. Going to counselling is not a sign of failure. On the contrary, it’s an indication that you intend to succeed.

Most of all, keep remembering WHY you married this person.  The very things that are driving you nuts now, may be the things that were attractive in the beginning. 

Marriage is a challenge.  It takes every ounce of energy on some days.  And, it is worth every moment of angst and joy. 

I am blessed to have a 2nd chance with my blended family.  I have learned to never take a moment for granted.

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Who Do You Follow?

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“When one of you says, “I’m on Paul’s side,” and another says, “I’m for Apollos,” aren’t you being totally childish?”

1 Corinthians 3:4 The Message

I grew up in a rural community in North Texas in a small Southern Baptist Church. Pastors didn’t seem to stay too long in our little town. They would come, do their work and then move to the next church. Four years was a long time in church years. We had summer youth director’s that came and invested in our lives for the summer and then went back to college to finish up and start their own lives. Rarely did we see or hear from them after they left.

Maybe it was because of the constant change, I came to realize that I was a part of my church not because of the pastor or the youth director.  I was a part of the church because I was a follower of Jesus.  While I was often sad when their time at our church ended, I knew that God was STILL a part of my life and I would continue to worship Him.

When I moved to the Houston area, the plethora of church choices was a bit overwhelming.  Every denomination, large and small, surrounded me.  I moved my letter to one church because I liked the pastor.  He was well known and pastored one of the faster growing Houston Churches.  But, I never got involved in the large metropolitan church.  It was too easy to hide, too easy to get lost in the crowd.  So, when another, smaller church came into my life, I jumped at the chance to join and be a part of the community.  I fellowshipped and worshiped with my church family for 10 years under 3 pastors.  I met my husband there.  Both my children were born and dedicated while at this church.  There were issues throughout that time.  But our main focus never changed:  WE WERE THERE TO WORSHIP GOD AND TO HONOR CHRIST.

My husband and I served on the staff of 4 churches during his lifetime.  I saw people really focused on the Christlike goal.  Unfortunately, I also witnessed a lot of politics and power grabbing too.  We even took a break from ministry because of the politics of one particular congregation.  That was a painful time.  However, it reinforced my goal to seek Christ in my home church and not to focus on the leaders, the music or other members. 

I know that a dynamic speaker will attract people.  There’s nothing wrong with being a pastor and a great speaker.  The run comes when the speaking (some would call it manipulation) is the primary goal and shepherding the ENTIRE family is not.  I’ve seen churches founded and built on the abilities of the lead pastor to deliver strong and impassioned sermons.  And, I’ve seen many of those churches fail when that pastor left or fell off of his pedestal. 

So, I ask:  WHO DO YOU FOLLOW? 

When asked this question, do you talk about what church you attend or do you immediately say I follow Christ? 

Do you follow a person that leads your church, your Sunday School, your Small Group, etc?   Or, do you follow the risen Savior, Christ Jesus and go where He directs?

Do you depend upon the words of your chosen leader to guide you? Or, do you spend time in scripture and in prayer hearing what God would have you do?

Do you follow a leader that is concerned with getting the attention and the power?  Or, do you follow a leader that points you to Christ and prepares you to grow and move in your own path of servanthood?

“But for right now, friends, I’m completely frustrated by your unspiritual dealings with each other and with God. You’re acting like infants in relation to Christ, capable of nothing much more than nursing at the breast. Well, then, I’ll nurse you since you don’t seem capable of anything more. As long as you grab for what makes you feel good or makes you look important, are you really much different than a babe at the breast, content only when everything’s going your way? When one of you says, “I’m on Paul’s side,” and another says, “I’m for Apollos,” aren’t you being totally childish? Who do you think Paul is, anyway? Or Apollos, for that matter? Servants, both of us—servants who waited on you as you gradually learned to entrust your lives to our mutual Master. We each carried out our servant assignment. I planted the seed, Apollos watered the plants, but God made you grow. It’s not the one who plants or the one who waters who is at the center of this process but God, who makes things grow. Planting and watering are menial servant jobs at minimum wages. What makes them worth doing is the God we are serving. You happen to be God’s field in which we are working.

1Corinthians 3:1-9 The Message

WHO DO YOU FOLLOW?

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Can Christians Grieve?

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Grief: deep sorrow; trouble or annoyance.

When my husband died, I didn’t really understand grief. I didn’t know how to manage it. Often, the words of “comfort” I got from other Christians made me wonder if I had enough faith. If I had enough faith, I wouldn’t be sad but would be celebrating. If I had enough faith, I would just keep on going. I often heard this verse:

“give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV

I couldn’t give thanks for my husbands death. Did that mean my faith was empty? Did I need to be happy and cheerful and not weep? Was I failing by grieving deeply?

The answer: NO. My faith gave me hope through the tears and pain. Faith allowed me to be thankful for the time and the family we had while still grieving the loss. Faith upheld me when I couldn’t stand on my own.

I have friends that are grieving today. Not the loss of a person, but the loss of something important and special. Anytime there is change, good or bad, there is a time of grief for what is no more. We may grieve the death of a dream, an idea or an expectation. We grieve when someone we greatly admire falls off of the pedestal and proves they are human. We grieve when something we love and have worked to support is irrevocably changed.

One thing I have learned to accept over the years is that I NEED to allow myself to grieve. No matter how important or trivial the issue is, I have to process it. I have to work through it in order to move on as a whole person. Not only do I need to grieve, I cannot feel guilt (or at times superiority) for my grief. My grief is not meant to shame or belittle anyone else. It’s my process and mine alone.

“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 1:6

No matter how broken things appear, no matter how helpless I feel, I know that God controls it all. There will be times when I need to sit and rest for a bit, catch my breath, and then start the journey again. I may cry bitter tears, but that’s okay. I have my eyes on the prize that God has set before me.